It's About the Journey

It's been a mere 2 days out from my failed marathon attempt, my failure to get to the starting line, and I am already able to aknowledge that all is not lost. In the marathon, as in most things worth working for, it's the journey that really matters. The training itself is what I love, what moves me, what makes it all worthwhile. The race is a celebration of that journey. I love that celebration, the party that ends with a medal around my neck, a HUGE sense of accomplishment, and another state added to the growing list.

For days leading up to and immediately after I made the decision not to run, I was moody and down. I was downright despondent that I didn't get to take part in that last little bit, the fun bit, of the journey. But when I was able to finally sit down and think about what I DID manage to accomplish, I realized that although I missed the party, I still got the journey.  I still got the 16 week road trip complete with all the peaks and valleys, all of the wonderful, frustrating, challenging and uplifting moments that come with training for a marathon. This fall training season wasn't a waste. It was a just preparation for the next adventure.

Although I'm coming to peace with missing my marathon party, I am still frustrated and confused about what de-railed me. I feel better when I understand the problem and can attack the solution, just like I would attack a training program. But for now, I don't understand what happened. What I do know is that I'm not ready to run again. My left leg still won't respond when I ask it to, I still can't run even a step. I can't even walk fast. It doesn't hurt, I simply can not make my body move. But there are things I CAN do.

I can try to enjoy the rest. I (theoretically) have a tough training season ahead of me in preparation of the Boston Marathon. Why not enjoy a period of lighter training ahead of that schedule?

I can work my upper body. I've always told myself I didn't have time to focus on anything that didn't help propel me forward.  After all, I am a wife and mom first, runner second. There is only so much time in the day I can devote to training. But now I have no excuse.

I can cross-train. Despite the issues with my leg, I have found that I can bike, I can work on the elliptical and I can swim. I logically know that cross-raining will help my running, and very likely will be the key to keeping me healthy so I can run forever. Which is the ultimate goal anyway, right? So instead of dreading it, and putting it off, I can think of cross-training as my ticket to ride on the this next leg of the ultimate voyage. Without that ticket, there will be no journey. I can and will put in that work now, because I know it will be worth it. I know what it feels like to be left on the sidelines.

I am ready to move forward. I am ready to get out my bags and pack for the next phase of the boundless expedition I have devoted much of my life to. Whatever lies ahead, I am ready to take it all in and try again.

What is it Going to Take?

As I sit here typing, I am broken hearted. It is 4 days until the Marshall University Marathon that I’ve trained for, and I know I shouldn’t run. A mysterious pain cropped up in my legnabout a week ago, and after 3 trips to my physical therapist I still don’t have any idea what’s wrong, how it happened or how to go about fixing it. So after 20 mile runs in the pouring rain, after countless days of intervals, hill training and tempo runs, after paying the entrance fees, and making all the plans that go into an out of state marathon, I will sit at home and not run.

My first marathon was The Chicago Marathon in 1992 when I was 20 years old. The race was everything a first marathon should be, it was big and loud and such a spectacle. Physically it was equal parts horrendous and glorious. I crossed the finish line, with my dad, forever changed. Even so, I really never intended to run another. But in 1994 I needed a distraction from my life and turned to training for the Columbus Marathon. That time it was all of the good and none of the bad and I knew I’d run again. Then, a few years down the road I ran in Austin. 

After my third Austin marathon I decided a few things. One was that I was a happier person when I ran and I wanted to commit to running for the rest of my life. Another was that since I’d already run marathons in three states, I might as well try to run one in every state. This was before the internet was what it is today, and I hadn’t ever heard of anyone else with such a goal. I found myself surprised and disappointed when I realized it was an actual “thing”. What seems to separate me from other “50-staters” is that I have no desire to rush through this goal. I don’t belong to any of the clubs, I won’t do a marathon every weekend, and I don’t want to get them all in before I’m 50. This goal was always intended to be a tool to help me run for the rest of my life.

The Marshall University Marathon was to be my 21st marathon and my 18th state. Being sidelined has left me truly, deeply upset. Not because I wasted all that training, I generally prefer the training to the race anyway. I am upset because I feel like I’ve been doing all the right things, or at least more of the right things than I have before, and I still wound up injured. Last April I strained my calf two weeks out from a race and was only able to run because of some serious physical therapy heroics. This is 2 races in a row that I’ve been injured during taper. 

Why me?

Seriously, why me? I mean why me in the whiniest, brattiest way ever, but I also mean why me in the soul searching, rooting out the problem sort of way.

The bottom line today is that I really don’t know. What I do know is that I need to fix this problem. I am motivated, seriously motivated. This can not happen to me on my next race because my next race is the Boston Marathon, the race that I have spent years dreaming about. I will do whatever it takes to get to that start line healthy, but the big question is: what is it going to take?

Today may be the day I pull out of a marathon, but it is also the day I start a new training plan. I want to be balanced, and healthy, pain-free and able to truly run for the rest of my life. Are you in?